Latest U-turns

In his seventeenth major U-turn, Sir Keir Starmer announced that he will not be giving the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, which has never owned them,  but to the native Chagossians instead.

In other news Energy secretary Ed Miliband has acknowledged the need to strike a balance between the need to protect the environment and not inflicting and unfair and unreasonable burden of costs on British consumers, and announced a review of many of his policies.

Green Party Leader Zack Polansky has invited the Equalities Commission to assist in carrying out a review into Anti-Semitism in the Green party, saying "I am not going to allow the people who created a huge problem with Anti-Semitism in the Labour party to do the same thing to mine."

Lib/Dem leader Ed Davey announced that he would not be doing any stunts during this year's council election campaign. "These elections are about electing serious local leaders to address the issues local people face," he said, "and they deserve better than a re-tread of the Goon Show doing 'he's fallen in the water.'"

And finally the leader and deputy leader of Reform UK have announced new vetting procedures for all parliamentary and council candidates for the party. "We want voters to be certain that if they vote Reform they will be getting people with real ability and not people who will embarrass the party and their community by turning out to have expressed extreme and abhorrent views," said Nigel Farage.

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