Quotes of the day: daft courtroom dialogue

Lawyers are trained to make sure the wintnesses make it absolutely clear what they are saying and ensure that necessary statements get into the courtroom record. This can make it necessary for them to ask a question to which the answer ought to be obvious to a four year old. Witnesses can sometimes find this very annoying and respond along the lines of the old saying, "ask a silly question and you'll get a silly answer, which can lead in turn to dialogue which must make it difficult to keep order in court.

Here are some of my favourite examples from a book called "Disorder in the court: Great Fractured moments in Courtroom history" by Charles Sevilla and Lee Lorenz. It is available on Amazon here.

COUNSEL: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
COUNSEL: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
COUNSEL: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
COUNSEL: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
COUNSEL: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
COUNSEL: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: I suppose he could have risen from the dead and be practicing law somewhere ...

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COUNSEL: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
COUNSEL: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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COUNSEL: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
COUNSEL: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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COUNSEL: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________________

COUNSEL: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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COUNSEL: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
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COUNSEL: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you (Expletive deleted) me?
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COUNSEL: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
COUNSEL: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

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COUNSEL: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy ?’
COUNSEL: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan !